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What Is the Most Important Unconscious Gift We Can Give Our Child/Children?

Attachment?  Love? Respect? Boundaries?

There are many answers but according to one of the most prominent founders of psychology, Carl Jung, the best unconscious gift we can give our child is to be a happy and fulfilled parent living without trying to complete an unlived life through our children.

“Whatever you repress, whatever you don’t recognize in yourself, is nevertheless alive.  It is constellated outside of you, it works in your surroundings and influences other people.”

“Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent.”

~ Carl Jung

If Our Unlived Lives Are Unconscious, How Do We Become Consciously Aware of Them? (Take the Quiz)

I’ve recently become aware of the work of Thomas Leonard and Sonia Stringer.  Thomas Leonard founded the NeedLess Program and Sonia has adapted concepts from it.  Essentially, there are categories of UNCONSCIOUS DRIVERS, as Sonia calls them.  We are all being driven by them and so it’s essential that we recognize them, as they are well and truly alive!

When you scan the following words/phrases, which ones ring true for you or conversely, do you want to immediately skip over because they give you an internal reaction?

Accepted     Accomplish     Recognized     Be Loved      Be Right    Feel Certain    Sense of Order     Peace     Safety      To Work

To Be Right     To Control     Honesty     Freedom     Moral Obligation     Be Needed     To Communicate     Power

These are not all of them, and within each category there are fire or six related words.  To go through the exercise, click here for Sonia’s adapted list or click here for Thomas Leonard’s NeedLess original list.

Once you have identified  your unconscious drivers, choose the top 8!

Now become aware each time, you’re triggered.  Which unconscious driver(s) is driving you?

Keep a journal and reflect – even if you keep a journal just for two weeks, you will help these unconscious drivers become more conscious.

Notice the ways that these drivers are an unconscious gift but then other times, an unconscious hinderance.

Talk to your partner and discuss how these unconscious drivers play out in your family.

Instead of projecting your needs onto others unconsciously, try to honour your own unconscious drivers.  Set boundaries and ask others to listen more, show appreciation more, show more love, create more predictability, communicate more openly etc. etc.

If we can give our children the gift of freedom from our personal triggers and unconscious drivers, there is no better unconscious gift.

Tony Robbins has been interviewed by Oprah Winfrey and he has stated that the common theme he sees over and over again amongst all the thousands and thousands whom he has helped, is the deep down feeling of unworthiness.  This connects well with these unconscious drivers and I think it’s also important to remember that each of us carries multiple inter-generational unconscious drivers.  Our ancestors unlived lives have been passed down from generation to generation.

Clinical Psychologist and best-selling author, Dr. Shefali Tsabary is bringing awareness to this very important topic.

I have read two of her books:  Conscious Parenting and The Awakened Family and highly recommend both, if this concept of raising yourself to raise your children resonates with you.

“Often, our expectations of others, especially our children are highly unrealistic.  Many of our expectations of others stem from unmet needs within ourselves.  Looking at the source of our expectations will help unburden our children and help them live according to their own. “

“When you look within and view your child as your mirror, you are able to see what you need to work on in order to raise yourself.  Instead of believing that you have to fix your child, you work on your inner landscape and can own your part to play in the relationship.”

~ Dr. Shefali Tsabary

To read prior posts on Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s work: 5 Tips to Help Our Emotional Reactivity, and Are You Aware of How Much Our Ego Mind Impacts Our Parenting? Shining the Spotlight Within

The unconscious drivers also connect to the Core Fears from the anxiety literature.

If your core fear or your child’s core fear is abandonment, then the unconscious drivers of being cared for, being loved, feeling safe, control could all be at work.

If your core fear or your child’s core fear is fear of judgment, then the unconscious drivers of being right, being recognized, accomplished, accepted etc. could all be at work.

(To read more about anxiety and core fears, click here to read my review of the documentary: ANGST)

I wish you all the best for a rejuvenating and relaxing holiday with your family,

The holiday time can be a particularly triggering time, with busy social calendars, out-of-town visitors and many family get-togethers. I hope this article will be a gift to you, in helping you stay peaceful, grounded and joyful throughout the holiday season.

Warmly,

PS.  **Vancouver families – Save the Dates!  January 3rd, 2018 will the launch of the preorders for Surfing the Worry Imp’s Wave and February 7th, 2018 will be the date of the Surfing the Worry Imp’s Wave Book Party,  in West Vancouver.  Time:  Approximately: 6:30pm – 8pm.  Details TBA.

PPS.  There is currently one space left in the age 7-9yrs. Anxiety Management “Brain Science” group starting January 11, 2018 and two spaces remaining in the age 10-12yrs.  “Brain Science” group.  For more information and to register online, please click here.

PPS.  If you choose to buy a book through one of the above links, I will receive a very small commission from Amazon, but at no extra cost to you.  Any money generated from these links goes toward the running of this blog.  Thank you, I really appreciate it.