Blog

How Do I Get My Child to Be More Responsible?

Do you find you get frustrated by how much you do for your child?

Do you wish you could get your child to be more responsible?

If you are over-functioning, it is the natural law that those around you will be under-functioning.  As an “over-functioner”, you may be surprised to learn that one is at fault as much as the “under-functioner”.  (Read:  How Are Over-Functioning Patterns and Under-Functioning Patterns Impacting Your Family?)

There are some other natural laws that we need to teach to our children…

From a very young age, we can start talking to our children about the relationship between FREEDOM, TRUST and RESPONSIBILITY.

Eleanor Roosevelt, former First Lady and wife of President Franklin Roosevelt said:

“With freedom comes responsibility”

This is a very powerful relationship.

It can also be phrased…  “With trust and responsibility comes more freedom”

For example:

• (for teens) If you can communicate with us and let us know whose house you’re going to be at for the evening, we will feel more comfortable saying “yes” to parties in the future
• (for teens) If you drive our car responsibly and come home by the time that we’ve agreed on, we will feel good about you being trustworthy and responsible and therefore open to lending the car to you again in the future
• (for children)  If you can be responsible for your toys and keeping your room tidy, we will feel more willing to allow you to get a pet because it will show us that you are ready for feeding a pet, walking a pet, grooming a pet etc.
• (for children) If you can be responsible and stop being on screens at our agreed stopping time, we will feel more trusting in continuing with our screen time schedule.   And vice-versa….  If you’re not being responsible about getting off screens at our pre-agreed time, we will not be able to trust that this plan is working and the freedom of being able to go on screens will be restricted
• (for children/teens)  If you fulfill your responsibilities of completing school homework, you will then have the freedom to some screen time

Screens and Summer Holidays

I think most parents of this generation of children, would agree that screen time is one of their biggest challenges.  I hear from parents over and over again, that the biggest arguments happen over screen time!

Many parents wonder how to handle screens and the summer holidays?

How do I get my child to be more responsible with screens?

As screens are addictive, it’s important that we try to create opportunities for our children to be outdoors and off screens.  This means making ourselves available to take them to the beach, on hikes, camping, playing board games/cards, playing sports etc.

We also need to have boundaries.  Collaboration creates cooperation which means coming up with a screen time plan together.  I’ve put together a guide here on some suggestions, apps to help, and other tools.

Also, many parents don’t know that they can actually set limits on internet usage through their router, and the internet usage can be determined for individual devices.  I’m not extremely tech-savvy, but I found this article here which explains how to set limits via one’s router.  I also have two friends who have successfully programmed their router so that their kids’ internet usage is restricted, which is how I first heard about this tip.

Often kids think that they have a right to be on screens and they forget that it’s actually a privilege.  They might think they own their phones, when in reality, parents are often paying the monthly fees…     This is where Eleanor Roosevelt’s message is fitting again…    “With freedom comes responsibility”…  Ie.  The freedom to be on a screen comes with being responsible as to how one uses social media etc. the language used in text messages and how long one spends on the device…

Screen time limits also have to apply to parents, in order that there’s no double-standard!  As parents we also need to put away our phones, and limit our TV and computer time.  If your child is trying to have a conversation with you and you’re answering texts, or surfing the internet while answering, you are role-modelling that this is acceptable and you can bet that this is how your child still start to interact with you!

Disconnect to Reconnect

Planning a technology-free holiday for all family members is a great way to reconnect as a family and spend quality time.  This may involve going somewhere remote such a camp site.  (Manning Park Resort used to have very weak internet access, which was a bonus for families looking for an internet free holiday, but due to many requests they’ve now upgraded their service and claim that it’s working 3x better than it was…)

I recently heard about this GREAT IDEA….  A family created a box that had a charging station for devices on the inside and on the outside, they wrote “Disconnect to Reconnect” on the top of the box.  I love this idea! They have a time by which all devices go into the box for charging, while the family is reconnecting 🙂

Chores and Screen Time

If screen time is one of a parents’ biggest challenges, chores are most likely the other!

I’ve now decided to stop calling chores chores!  I think the word has such a negative association and maybe because chore and bore rhymes it also sounds bad!  I think a much better word for chores is…responsibilities.

When I talk to my own kids (ages 11 and 14) about doing their responsibilities before they can go on screen time or go out with friends, it seems to be more meaningful than using the word chores.  I explain that we all have responsibilities in life, and even if we don’t like all of them, we still need to carry out our responsibilities.   It doesn’t mean it’s always easy to get my kids to fulfill their responsibilities, but they do understand that when they complete their responsibilities, this creates more freedom for them.

I also think it’s important to think outside of the box when it comes to chores/responsibilities.

For example, if you have a child who enjoys being on the computer, you could ask this child to be responsible for completing forms (ie. camp registration forms – they can fill out the information and then you can quickly check it before it’s sent), or researching best places to visit, or favourite restaurants for your summer holiday trip, or submitting claims to extended health companies etc.

If you have a child, who likes to organize, he/she could organize your medical cabinet, pantry or sports equipment.

If you have a child who is creative, ask him/her to be creative in setting the table, or in helping prepare the veggies/salad for dinner.

Doing household responsibilities is always more fun when it’s together.  Try playing fun music and chatting while doing food prep or post-dinner clean up.

And when they do complain, it can be helpful to offer choices….you can choose to empty and fill the dishwasher or you can clean the toilets…

For parents of younger children, start your children with household responsibilities as soon as you can.  Younger children usually love to help around the house, and these are good habits to form for when they are older!

I hope all the Canadian readers, had a wonderful Canada Day celebrating 150 years and for American readers, Happy Independence Day on July 4th,

Warmly,

PS.  If you found this article helpful and think it will help your child to be more responsible, please share with friends, family and on social media.  Thank you, I really appreciate it!

PPS.  Registration is open for my August Brain Science groups to teach children ages 7-9yrs. and 10-12 yrs. to understand anxiety and anxiety management strategies.  For more information and to see the flyer, please click here.  To register online, click here and then click on “upcoming groups/events”.  I look forward to meeting you 🙂