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“Communication is key!” We’ve all heard of this expression yet knowing how to communicate, especially when triggered, is particularly challenging!  (Read my previous article on How to Handle Triggers here.)

How to communicate better is what most people want to know because every close relationship will have conflict.

Our children learn how to communicate from watching how we communicate and so we need to be consciously working on it, in all our relationships.

The Gottman Institute conducts a lot of research on communication between couples, but it also fits for what happens between parents and children/teens too!

Do you recognize yourself in any of these non-constructive patterns?

“You’re always leaving a mess wherever you go!”  (Criticism)

“You never think of anyone but yourself!”  (Criticism)

In your head, you say…  “You think you’re so great – you’re always talking about yourself!”  (Criticism)

“Sure go ahead, show me how perfect you are.”  (Sarcasm – Contempt)

Your child says they’re going to try harder and you say “Like that’s going to ever happen”  or “Like we haven’t heard that before.”  (Sarcasm – Contempt)

“Does the Prince/Princess need more dessert to sweeten up a little?”  (Sarcasm – Contempt)

“So you think everything’s my fault, well you ought to take a closer look at yourself.”  (Defensive)

“I’m not always late, you just want to be twenty minutes early so you can call out the rest of us for being late.”  (Defensive)

“Yes the flight is all booked, but you could have called earlier to reserve the flight.”  (Defensive)

“Forget it” and you walk out of the room.  (Stonewalling)

Roll your eyes and disengage while focusing on another activity to be busy.  (Stonewalling)

Close your eyes and refuse to answer.  (Stonewalling)

Do you notice that you fit more into one or more of the above clusters?

Gottman calls these non-constructive styles of communication: The Four Horsemen, after the bible reference: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which depicts the end of times in the New Testament.

Likewise, the Gottman research can predict the end of relationships at a 90% accuracy rate according to how often the Four Horsemen are used when communicating as couples.

The good news is there are antidotes to these four horsemen, but first let’s define the Four Horsemen.

The Four Horsemen of Communicating

Criticism:  This is an attack on your partner or child where you attack their character.  Criticism is very different from a complaint.  In criticism, you often use the words (silently to yourself or outwardly) “always” or “never” along with the accusation and the other person feels rejected.

Contempt: This is when we speak with disrespect through sarcasm, ridicule, mocking, roll eyes and the other person feels the cutting words or tone and feels despised or worthless.

Defensiveness:  The other person feels attacked and so they take on the role of  victim or they take no responsibility and try to shift blame to the other person.

Stonewalling:  The person shuts down, disengages, stops responding, walks away, acts “busy” or finds other ways to distract themself.

How to Communicate Better?

The antidote to CRITICISM is “I messages”.  In my Self-Empowerment groups, I teach “I messages” to the children and the parents and they comment on the difference it makes.    You can think of  “I messages” as a respectful feedback loop that goes like this…

“I feel _________  when you ___________  and I wish _____________.”

When we start a conversation with “I feel _______”, the other person is much more likely to listen to us openly because they care about our feelings and they don’t feel attacked versus “You statements” which do attack.

Eg.  “You’re so messy and you’re always leaving a mess.” (Criticism) versus…

“I’m feeling frustrated/upset when I see your pyjamas and towels all over the bathroom floor and I wish you would hang up your towels and put your pyjamas under your pillow.”  (“I” message)

The antidote to CONTEMPT is a respectful request which includes understanding and appreciation. 

Eg. “Does the Prince/Princess need more dessert to sweeten up a little?” (Contempt) versus…

“I understand that you’re stressed out, but I’d like you to try to leave your work stress at home so we can interact in a more positive way.  I’d really appreciate that.” (Respectful request)

The antidote to DEFENSIVENESS is to take responsibility for your piece.

Eg. “Yes the flight is all booked, but you could have called earlier to reserve the flight.”  (Defensive) versus…

“I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier and now the flight is all booked.  I’m disappointed too and I’m going to see if there’s any other options.”

The antidote to STONEWALLING is to take a break to calm down physiologically.

Stonewalling is a common reaction when one is feeling emotionally charged and overwhelmed.  Physiologically one’s body is surging.  It’s important to tell the other person that you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed and then take a break for at least 20 minutes until you’re calm, and then it’s important to continue the conversation and not avoid it.

**When you are taking your 20 minute calm-down time, it’s important to be very aware that your thoughts are not spinning into “victimhood” or “superiority”.  This 20 minutes should be spent feeling your feelings and trying to connect with your breath by taking big deep breaths, listening to a meditation, exercising, etc.  The key is to notice your negative thoughts but let them go and try to continue to focus on inhaling and exhaling which will calm you down and keep you in the present moment.

Think about the communication styles we grew up with from the role-modelling of our parents – what can each of us do to be more constructive in communicating our feelings, thoughts and needs?

What is the “Magic Ratio” that the Gottman Institute has discovered to communicate better?

5:1

If we can say five comments of appreciation to every negative comment, we are heading in the more positive direction of knowing how to communicate better.

Take Away Tip:  Practice telling your partner and your kids, two things you appreciate that are specifically related to each of them every day and watch your communication improve.

Enjoy using your new communication tools,

Warmly,

PS. Registration has opened for my next round of  in-person and online Brain Science Anxiety Management groups.  Click here to read more about the groups and to register.