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Self-Control versus Big Reaction

Recently, during the Stanley Cup Playoffs,  hockey player, Brad Marchand from the Boston Bruins,  got into a tussle with Tampa Bay Lightning Ryan Callahan which resulted in Marchand licking Callahan’s face!  You can see the replay below.

This past week I shared this story with a few of the children and teens I work with, as I think it demonstrated an important message about self-control.

Who held onto their power and who lost their power?

As you will see in the replay, Callahan isn’t able to fully ignore, but he could have got really angry, lost control, punched Marchand in the nose, and been given a penalty, which was no doubt what Marchand was hoping for!  However, Callahan took the “high road”, displayed self-control and lightly pushed Marchand away.  Marchand has now received a warning from the league that this kind of conduct is unacceptable and he is “on notice”.

There’s also been a lot of negative comments in the media and on social media about this licking incident.  At first Marchand, seemed to feel no regret for his conduct, but later he did admit that he needed to change his ways.  His coach is also helping him realize that he is an elite hockey player and these kind of antics don’t benefit him.  The coach has asked him to think about what kind of legacy he wants to leave.

I also think of these high level athletes as role models for younger team mates, as well as for all the young kids and teens watching the playoffs in the stadiums and on TV.  Marchand also has his own family.  What kind of lessons do these idolized athletes want to be teaching today’s kids?

The motivation of the instigator

We know that whenever someone is teasing, taunting or bullying, he/she is seeking power.  If we give a big reaction, and lose our self-control, we reward the instigator and give him/her the big dose of power that he/she was looking for.

If we stay in control and choose one of the following five tactics, recommended in the excellent children’s book: Simon’s Hook

• Ignore
• Agree that what was said might be true
• Make a joke/laugh
• Distract/change the subject
• Stay away from the instigator

…we hold onto our power!  (This applies with sibling conflict too!)

It is more intuitive to argue and defend our position, but this is not helpful when this is exactly what the instigator hopes you will do.  For this reason, it is so important to proactively teach our children how to outsmart the instigator and hold onto our power by exercising self-control!

In the groundbreaking study on self-control by Mischel et al. 1972, preschool children were presented with a simple marshmallow test, in which they could either eat a marshmallow right away or wait fifteen minutes and get two marshmallows. Around 67% of the children in the original study chose option one, indicating a lower level of self-control. Mischel followed the children in the original sample for more than five decades.   (See my article with the marshmallow video and summary of self-regulation here.)

He tracked how their ability to exercise self-control at an early age was correlated with various life outcomes as the children grew into adults. The results were dramatic. Children who were successful in resisting temptation to eat the initial marshmallow and delayed gratification were more successful in almost every area. They had higher SAT scores, educational success, sense of self-worth and ability to cope with stress. Furthermore, they were less likely to be addicted to drugs and had lower body mass index. (Mischel et al., 1989).

The more we can teach children about their brains, and social behaviour psychology, the greater their social emotional intelligence.

Have a wonderful week, and Happy Mother’s Day to all the wonderful mothers out there,

Warmly,

PS.  If you choose to purchase the children’s book about teasing, Simon’s Hook from the Amazon link above, I will receive a tiny affiliate commission which goes toward the writing of these blog articles and the running of my website.  Thank you for purchasing through my link above, I really appreciate it and only ever recommend resources which I have used and highly recommend.