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What Does Your Child Do When They Get Triggered?

We all get triggered and different things trigger different people.  We all handle triggers differently. 

Why?

Because we are all wired differently and our triggers are often connected to an experience that we’ve had in the past which was negative or stressful in someway.

Why do highly sensitive people get triggered more easily?

Highly sensitive people are more triggered by too much sensory stimulation, especially loud noises.

Highly sensitive people often have a strong sense of moral justice and get very upset when they perceive an injustice.

Highly sensitive people feel their feelings strongly, and so they experience big feelings.

Highly sensitive people intuitively know when demands are being placed on them, and often “push back” and get upset.

Highly sensitive people are prone to be more anxious, and thus they are more likely to feel “under attack” and go into “fight” mode to “protect” themselves.

How Do We Teach Our Kids/Teens to Stop and Pause Before Reacting?

When our kids are calm, we need to talk about what it feels like when they feel triggered. 

Do they feel a surge like a volcano inside of them? 

Does it feel as though their “blood is boiling”? 

Do they feel hot?  Does their chest feel tight?  Do their fists clench? 

Do they feel like a bottle that’s about to explode?

As parents, we also need to talk about how we feel inside when we’re triggered. 

Awareness is the first step in any kind of change.  From awareness, we can then take action!

Action Plan for Getting Triggered

Step One: Once they can identify how the trigger feels, then it’s time for everyone in the family to brainstorm ideas for what each person can do to let everyone know that they just got triggered (and this also interrupts the trigger…).

They could put out their hand, as if to signal “Stop” and say “I’m triggered!”

They could just say “I’m triggered!”

They could say “I need a break!”

Whatever works to let family members near them know, that they’ve got a surge of big feelings inside!

Goal: To try to stop before the explosion occurs 

When I teach this to children and teens, I ask them to imagine walking across a suspension bridge, when suddenly they notice that the bridge is missing some wooden planks, and if they take another step, they’re going to fall down the hole of the bridge!  They have to stop and catch themselves! This is what happens when we call out “I’m triggered” – it helps us catch ourselves!

Step Two: Take a moment – we don’t want to keep moving forward and fall down the hole in the bridge!  Take big, long, deep breaths and if possible, NAME the feelings, using “I messages”.

Eg.  I feel _________ because _________________ and I wish ______________.”

“Name it to Tame it!” ~ Daniel Siegel

The person may be so triggered that they just want to walk away and take deep breaths, but if they can stay and express their feelings, this will help create new neural pathways in the brain for emotional regulation.

If a child is unable to do this and has now moved into a melt-down, the parent’s role is to stay very calm and self-regulated.

When a parent can stay calm, through the storm, the child feels safer, self-regulates quicker and learns from the parent role-modelling, that it is possible to stay calm even during a big wave of emotion.  (*If we yell at our child, how can we expect our child to learn self-regulation? Read Five Tips to Helps Our Emotional Reactivity)

“Feelings First Logics Last” ~ Sharon Selby

When our children and teens are in an emotional state, they are in their “Fight, Flight, Freeze” brain and not able to hear anything logical.  All we can do is talk calmly and validate their feelings.

Examples:  You seem really upset.  You’re mad.  You’re having a tough time.  Everything feels so frustrating. Etc…

If the child is able to use their “I messages” and say: “I feel _____________ because ____________ and I wish ____________,” the parent then replies by showing that they HEARD.

“I hear you saying that you’re feeling ___________ because ___________ and you wish ____________.  Did I get that right?”

This lets children and teens know that they are being HEARD and NOT being fixed or reprimanded!

This is a new skill set for most parents, as this is not the way most adults were raised as children, but it we want to teach our children emotional self-regulation, then it’s really important that we practice these new skills too.

When I asked teens in my practice, what advice they had for parents, they all said that they wanted their parents to be better LISTENERS…not problem-solvers!  Read Lessons I’ve Heard From Teens for Parents with Kids of All Ages

Take Action Tip:  Ask your child if they know when they’ve been triggered.  Use the image in this article to discuss how we can catch ourselves by taking deep breaths and saying “I’m triggered”.  Practice saying “I messages” and reflecting “I messages”.

Have a wonderful week,

Warmly,