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Increasing Cooperation vs. Power Struggles

How Can I Get My Child to Do What I Ask?

Power struggles are one of the most challenging components of parenting.  From the Adlerian framework, on-going power struggles are a sign of misguided power.  Children want to feel capable but end up asserting themselves through being the boss.  Their mistaken belief is:  “I am powerful and capable only when I’m being the boss!”  For parents, it is important to find other ways of helping children feel capable, such as giving them responsibilities and looking for ways to follow their passions.  Success begets success.  As parents, we also need to look at our own way of delivering directions or setting limits. Furthermore, the stronger the relationship between the parent and the child, the higher the level of cooperation.  The following twenty tips are ideas that will help increase cooperation, as long as there is also a positive connection between the parent and child.  For more on increasing attachment, please read The Six Stages of Attachment.

The Top Twenty!  20 Short Ways to Increase Cooperation

 1. “Reconnect before you redirect”  ~ Dr. Gordon Neufeld

Eg. If your child is playing with some toys, connect and ask them what they’re playing, before stating that it’s time to go somewhere.  The three minutes of connection time will save you the ten minutes of negotiations.

2. Collaboratively discuss a natural transition point, where your child can stop what he/she’s doing.  It could be finishing a chapter in a book, completing a level on an electronic game, or finishing a lego tower etc.

3. Discuss the schedule ahead of time.  Set a timer (such as an oven timer) to indicate when it’s time to get dressed for soccer, as an example.

4. Use “When/Then” statements (Alyson Schafer)  Eg.  “When the table’s been set, then we can serve dinner” or “When we’ve all done our chores, then we can go to the park.”

5. Frame a directive as a question (Alyson Schafer) Eg. Instead of “Put your backpacks away” ask,  “Where does your backpack go?”

6. Describe vs. Direct (Alyson Schafer) Eg. Instead of “Put your pajamas away”, comment “I see pajamas on the bathroom floor.”

7. Use one word reminders (Alyson Schafer) “Hands” vs. “Have you washed your hands?”

8. Answer “Yes” as much as possible (Barbara Coloroso) Eg. “Can I have a cookie?  Yes, after dinner”

9. Validate feelings – S.E.T Communication  (Support, Empathy, Truth) (Jerald Kreisman)  Eg. “I know you’d like to stay at the park, and you’re really disappointed that it’s time to go, but the truth is that we can come back next weekend and right now we have to go and meet your Auntie.”

10. Ask for a favour (Alyson Schafer).  Eg. “I need a favour, could you please help me bring up the laundry while I’m stirring this food on the stove.”

11. Refer to your child as the expert.  Eg. “Last time we washed the car together, you found all sorts of little spots that I missed.  I’d love your help washing the car again.”

12. Give closed choices. Eg. “You can choose to empty the dishwasher or load the dishwasher, which would you prefer?”

13. Pre-warn about natural consequences.  Eg. “You can choose to wear shorts and sandals to the park but just so you know the weather report is calling for rain and wind, it’s up to you.”  (Natural consequences are the best teacher and you could always happen to have some warmer clothes in the car.)

14. Pre-warn about logical consequences.  Eg. “It’s really important to arrive at school on time, so if you’re not able to be ready for school on time, then bed-time will be moved to ten minutes earlier to give you an extra ten minutes in the morning.”  Be sure to follow-through on your consequence.

15. Use a “third party” as the rule-enforcer.  Eg. “It’s the law to wear your seatbelt and therefore not a choice.”  For fussy eaters, “The Canadian Food Guide states that you need to eat something from each of the four food groups, but you can choose from this selection as to which food you want to have for each food group”  or “Doctors say that children need your age need between 10-12 hours of sleep, therefore your lights need to out at 8pm in order for your body to prepare itself for enough sleep”  or “The timer says it’s time to get ready for karate.”

16. Give your child more responsibility.  Eg. “I’m ready to take you to squash, let me know when you’re ready.” (Parent reads a book nonchalantly.)

17. Give alternatives.  Eg.  “The living room is not a place to kick a soccer ball around, however, I can drive my car out of the garage and you kick the ball around in there.”

18. Take a breather.  Drop the rope.  “I’m going to take ten minutes to think about this.”

19. Collaborative problem solving/family meeting.  “This isn’t working.  Let’s talk and figure out how we can do this differently so it works for all of us” or “Let’s put that on the family meeting agenda”.

20. Distract the child.  “Yay it’s Family movie night, time to tidy up the toys and choose a movie.  I wonder what movie we might watch tonight?” or “How about a piggy-back to bed?”

 The key is to “drop the rope” or “take the wind out of their sails,” whichever image works best for you.  As soon as we “drop the rope”, the energy dissipates.  It’s up to us to try to be pro-active, strategic and non-reactive.  Traditional, “brick-wall” style parents count on fear to enforce their instructions, but this method doesn’t promote trust or openness in a relationship.

 Top 20 Tips is a pdf. of these suggestions, that you can download, in an abbreviated version, in order that you can refer to them quickly, or start to memorize them.

Hope you have a peaceful week,

Warmly,