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How Have Parenting Styles and Culture Changed?

Many parents of children today, were, themselves, parented in a strict, authoritarian home.  For the most part, the father was the “head of the house”.  He was the one who worked (outside of the home) and he made the final decisions.  If children weren’t obeying their mother by day, they would often hear the line “Wait until your father comes home…”.  Most mothers, carrying the imprint from many previous generations, modelled that they were submissive to the patriarch of the family, the father.  This modelling by the mother led to similar modelling by the children.

Furthermore, out in the community, employees obeyed their boss, without question, to ensure they kept their job.  In addition, minority groups were treated as inferior and subservient.  In schools, children sat in rows, spoke only when asked to speak, and the ruler or cane were on standby.

Thankfully, as a society we have progressed and the importance of being treated with dignity and respect is now an expectation.  Most children currently see their parents, working together, and having discussions about important issues in the family.

In schools, children are encouraged to share their creative ideas and think “outside of the box”.  As our culture has shifted to one where everyone deserves to have a voice, this has impacted the way in which families, within their homes, operate.

Parents still need to be Alpha parents, but also create an environment where their children feel counted, and respected.  How does one achieve this kind of balance?

What Is My Parenting Framework?

We are in the midst of a tremendous shift in parenting styles, which is positive, but also confusing as parents often feel at a loss as to knowing what their parenting framework is.  Parents often intuitively feel uneasy that the traditional, top-down, parenting by fear approach of “Brick Wall parenting” (B. Coloroso) doesn’t work anymore.  They may then flip to the other end of the continuum known as permissive parenting or “Jellyfish parenting” (B. Coloroso) and recognize that this doesn’t feel right either.  The place we want to be is known as democratic parenting or “Backbone parenting” (B. Coloroso).

The Adlerian parenting framework provides the theory and tools to be a Backbone parent.  It is based on being “Kind and Firm” (J. Nelson).  I feel very passionate about teaching this parenting framework to parents as it provides a roadmap from infancy to adulthood.  It teaches children self-discipline through developing the 4C’s of Connection, Capability, feeling Counted and Courageous (B.L. Bettner).

What Do I Do When I Hear Such Different Advice?

The world of psychology has many different theories on parenting and behaviour change.  It can be very confusing for parents to hear opposing advice from many different “experts”.  To me, it is most important to follow your intuition.  Does the advice that you are being given sit well with you?  Does it fit with your personal philosophy of life?  Does it fit with your family values?  If it does, then it sounds as if you’ve found a good fit. If it doesn’t, then you can be your own “expert” (after all you know your child better than anyone) and keep searching until you find a theoretical framework that fits for you.

The Fable of the North Wind and the Sun Connected to Parenting

I will always remember sitting at a Dr. Gordon Neufeld workshop when he re-told the story of the fable about the North wind and the Sun who were having a competition to try and get the coat off a man walking down the road.  The North wind blew stronger and stronger, harsher and harsher, and the man held onto his coat tighter and tighter.  Meanwhile, the sun shone done on the man, warmed him, and soon the man took his jacket off.

If we are parenting by fear and using harsh tactics to try to “break” our child’s behaviour, the end-result will most likely be a child who is so wrapped up in his/her jacket (shell or walls) that he/she won’t let you in.  Furthermore, the child will intuitively know that this isn’t how people treat each other nowadays, that he/she deserves more respect and dignity than this, and therefore he/she will not be “broken”.

Misbehaviour is not acceptable, but there are other ways for it to be handled, other than through harsh punishment and suffering.  I absolutely believe in limit setting, and logical consequences (see my article on the difference between punishment and consequences) but I also know that the attachment relationship, the connection we have with our children, is the foundation for all parenting.

I am thankful to well-known psychologists such as Dr. Gordon Neufeld (co-author of Hold Onto Your Kids), Dr. Ross Green (The Explosive Child), Dr. William Glasser (Choice Theory) and parent educators/counsellors, Barbara Coloroso (Kids Are Worth It!), Jane Nelson (Positive Discipline), and Alyson Shafer (Honey I Wrecked the Kids) for speaking up against traditional behaviour modification techniques of using punishment and rewards.

Jim Skinner, Executive Director of The Adler Centre in Vancouver, says Alfred Adler was ahead of his time when he first developed Adlerian Theory, but as Jim says, his time has come now.  It is possible to be Alpha parents within a home that is based on dignity and respect.  Parenting is the most challenging and most rewarding experience we could hope for, but it is important to have a compass point leading you on a path that fits with your parenting goals.

I wish you all the best on your parenting journey,

Warmly,