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This is the fifth article in a series I’ve been writing on Behaviour from an Adlerian Parenting perspective.  The other articles that may be of interest to you are: Rewards, Bribes, Incentives…  Behaviourism and Adlerian/Democratic Parenting, Intrinsic Motivation vs. Extrinsic Motivation, Extrinsic Motvators: Rewards, Bribes, Incentives

What’s the Difference Between Consequences, Limits and Punishment?

In Behaviourism terms, a consequence is whatever happens after a behaviour.  We often think of consequences as being negative, but according to the true definition, a positive action could also be a consequence after a positive behaviour.  I find it easiest to think of the ABC model: A = Antecedent (what happens right before the behaviour), B = Behaviour, C = Consequence (what happens right after the behaviour).

At one time, it was thought that strict parents produced the most well-adjusted children.  However, research now reports that strict parents (“brick wall parents”) are most likely to end up with overly obedient children/teens who can’t think for themselves and are easily influenced by peers, or children/teens who rebel and resist the external control methods of punishment.   “You want to punish me and show me how bad you think I am, well I’ll show you how bad I can be, and I can be worse!”  Punishment is a form of consequence that is unrelated to the misbehaviour, and is resented as one feels disrespected, dominated, forced and/or shamed.

Limits are boundaries and rules that are set fairly (democratically) while maintaining the parent-child connection.

Why Are Limits So Important?

Limits are essential to healthy emotional development and overall well-being.  However, as we are in the midst of a parenting paradigm shift, how to set limits is not always clear.  The traditional “brick-wall” style of parent understands the importance of limits and following-through, but enforces limits in such a punitive, authoritarian, style that the child often rebels and pushes back even harder.  For other parents, setting limits is challenging because it’s hard work and they don’t like to upset their child.  The path of least resistance becomes favourable and negotiations or extra chances become the norm.  This permissive style of parenting also has pit-falls because one does not learn how to tolerate frustration, nor how to self-regulate when he/she doesn’t get his own way.  This child is at risk for becoming “self-centered” and developing a belief that all his/her needs should be met according to his/her wishes.  Later this impacts friendships and romantic relationships too.

Back-bone parenting/Adlerian democratic parenting demonstrates how to set limits in a fair and empathic way. Limits are a part of life and therefore need to be learned first and foremost in the home, and then these skills will transfer to school, friendships, romantic relationships, jobs etc.  Kind and firm democratic limits develop self-discipline within a child.  For an anxious child, limits are even more important because it’s scary for a child to feel as though he/she has more control than his/her parents.  However, anxious children typically try to get more and more control to make themselves feel better, but this is not sustainable and creates more challenges for the family dynamics.

The Philosophical Foundation of Setting Limits Democratically

Instead of falling back on methods of domination to force obedience, we have to set our sights on winning co-operation and influencing the child.  We need to shift the locus of power from external, parental control to intrinsic motivation, the lovely authentic kind that comes from within children themselves.  Since we can’t “make them,” we have to “make them wanna” instead. (p.97 Honey I Wrecked the Kids, Alyson Schaefer.)

We can’t MAKE someone do something, which is why a strong attachment relationship is key, because the stronger your relationship, the stronger your influence.  Think about all the teachers or bosses you’ve had.  The ones that you’ve really liked, you’ve wanted to please and do more for them; the ones where you’ve felt disrespected or controlled, have created distance and defended walls of armour.  If your child has developed walls, find ways to connect and soften them (see The Six Stages of Attachment).  *Setting limits is even more difficult if the attachment relationship is weak.

How to Set Limits, (especially with a strong-willed child)?

The 3R’s of a democratic household are: Respect for self, Respect for others, Respect for order. (p.110 Honey I Wrecked the Kids).  Setting limits is challenging at the best of times, but with a strong-willed child it can become daunting. However, with consistency and by following these tips, I’m confident you will see a difference.  However, the key is being consistent and following through.

• When/then: (from Alyson Schaefer “Honey I Wrecked the Kids”)   When you’ve cleaned up  your room, then your friend can come over.  When you’ve cleared your plate from the table, then you can have dessert.  When/then sounds like a house rule vs. If you clean your room,  you can invite your friend over. This sounds much more controlling – such a small change in wording can make a huge difference.  Rules and Routines need to be viewed as the boss.
• S.E.T communication: (see my previous post on Support Empathy Truth) – this acronym includes empathy with limit setting
• Body Language: Discuss problem with child in private (not with an audience of siblings and not yelling across a room), bend down to child’s level, speak in a regular or softer voice, if possible – use touch – arm around a shoulder, sitting on one’s knee, touching an elbow
• Use a question instead of a command:  What needs to happen before our family friends come over today? vs. Clean up your room or  Where do pyjamas need to go? vs. Pick up your pyjamas or What’s your plan for dealing with the garbage? vs. Take the garbage out
• Frame request as a favour
• State an observation: I see a coat on the floor vs. Pick up your coat.
• Less words the better: “Hands” (implying wash hands) “Boots”  (implying put boots away)
• Joint-Problem Solving:  Say to your child(ren) “This isn’t working” and then have a discussion, with your child’s input, as to how this problem could be sorted out.  Involve your child in the process and use their input.
• Choices:  Give 3 choices in order that the child/teen doesn’t feel one answer is right and one answer is wrong.
  
• 3 Alternatives to saying “No” : (according to Barbara Coloroso)  “Yes, you may….later”  “Give me a minute to think about it” “Convince Me” (If you’re still not convinced be sure to give your rationale.)
• Offer an alternate replacement behaviour: “The couch isn’t for jumping on but you can go on the trampoline or practice some jumping jacks over here.”
• Jointly agree on a natural transition time within an activity: Eg. Child is playing a computer game – you ask how the game is going, where he/she is up to and what’s the next stopping point where he/she can leave and wash hands for dinner
• Use an external timer:  Give a warning as to how much time is left and then use an device to set the time – a kitchen clock, a Time Timer (with a visual red arc which shows time left decreasing), or parental controls built-in computer timer for electronics such as computers, ipads etc.  (An Apple store will help you set your computer parental control time limits)

I know this seems a lot more work than just “making your child do as they’re told”, but the reality is that most children reach a point where they will resist being told what to do or they will become so passive that they won’t understand the concept of self-discipline.  The 4C’s of Democrating/Adlerian parenting are crucial: Connected, Capable, Counted and Courageous (Betty-Lou Bettner) and how and when you set limits impacts all of these areas of emotional development.  

“An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”~ Benjamin Franklin

When children don’t listen to limits, we move into consequences.  Next week I will continue with the difference between Natural Consequences, Logical Consequences and Punishment Consequences.

Warmly,