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What Are Your Goals for Your Child?

There are many different theoretical perspectives, all with evidence-based research, advising the best way to parent!  It’s very confusing to hear so many different points of view from a variety of professionals and to know which is “right”.

As a parent for the last twelve years, and a Child and Family Counsellor for the last seventeen years, I’ve had many discussions about parenting philosophies.  I’ve been trained as a behaviourist and worked as an ABA therapist (Applied Behavioural Analysis – a treatment often used for children with Autism Spectrum Disorder), I’ve also received many hours of training in Attachment Theory with Dr. Gordon Neufeld (author of Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Matter) and I’m a Certified Adlerian Parent Facilitator.  To determine one’s parenting philosophy, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s important to first and foremost outline the goals that you wish for your child.

I would imagine that, for example, your goals include raising a child who respects him/herself, respects others, has the ability to make wise choices, takes responsibility seriously, and feels good about him/herself.  Barbara Coloroso, author of Kids Are Worth It! describes this as inner discipline.  These are the goals for my own children and the children and teens with whom I work.

The Critique on Behaviourism

The first chapter of Barbara Coloroso’s book describes her parenting philosophy and her thoughts on behaviorism.

Kids who are consistently bribed and rewarded are likely to grow into adults who are overly dependent on others for approval and recognition, lacking their own self-confidence and sense of responsibility.  The questions they will often ask are:  What’s in it for me? What’s the payoff? Does it count for anything? Do you like it? Did you see me do it? Did I do it right? (p. 19, Kids Are Worth It!)

Alyson Schaefer, Adlerian Child and Family Therapist and author of Honey I Wrecked the Kids, traces autocratic parenting back to our cultural history from the Middle Ages.  In Autocratic parenting,

Parents hold the power, children are made to be obedient underlings, and behaviour is controlled or manipulated by the use of punishment and rewards to keep children in line.(p.11)

She then describes why an obedient child can be an “at-risk” child.

By training our children to be obedient and to always listen to their parents and other authorities has substantive pitfalls…What if an authority is not well-meaning?  How will your children learn to evaluate situations and  make good judgments?  How does being punished and rewarded affect your children in the long run? (p. 16)

Paul Tough, author of How Children Succeed,  describes the recent research on  KIPP (Knowledge is Power Program) schools in the United States.  These are College Preparatory Schools which are set up for disadvantaged youth.  These youth attend school for longer hours and follow a strict program, based on a behavioursim model, with the end goal of attending a post-secondary institution.  Research showed that these schools have been very successful at increasing the percentage of students attending college but the statistics were much lower than expected for students staying in the program and completing college (only 30% of KIPP graduates who went on to college actually completed a four year program).

Tom Brunzell, who was the dean of students at KIPP Infinity Middle School, first came to the school as a critic for its externally controlled system of discipline.  He wrote that

Infinity’s compliance-based system models an atmosphere of punitive dependence which ultimately negates student decision-making…Students often demonstrated the shallowest kind of good conduct – not contemplating in a deep way the consequences of their actions but ostentatiously behaving well when teachers were watching and then trying to get away with as much as possible as soon as the teachers’ backs were turned. (p.88)

The external, controlling behaviourism model was working in the short-term but not for as many students as was hoped in the long term.

Alfie Kohn, author of many books including, Punished by Rewards (1993) found that

Students who are encouraged to think about grades, stickers, or other ‘goodies’ become less inclined to explore ideas, think creatively, and take chances. At least ten studies have shown that people offered a reward generally choose the easiest possible task. In the absence of rewards, by contrast, children are inclined to pick tasks that are just beyond their current level of ability.

He also found that,

In general, the more cognitive sophistication and open-ended thinking that is required for a task, the worse people tend to do when they have been led to perform that task for a reward.

There’s always two sides to every coin, and there’s lots of research stating the positive effectiveness of behaviourism as well.  People who are pro-behavioursim will often give examples, such as pay-cheques – this is an external motivator that keeps people going to work.

I have seen behaviourism work very effectively in the short-term but I do wonder about the long term benefits.  My belief is that we are all motivated by incentives and desires, but it is how we become motivated that is the key.  If we feel that it is someone else’s agenda (in most cases a parent) then the natural instinct is to push back (if someone pushes against the palms of your hands, your instinctual response will most likely be to push-back!).  There may be compliance, but then, in my opinion, it’s because the reward is highly motivating, and this sets up the pattern for, “What will you give me next time?” and “I’ll only do it if you give me “x,y,and z.”

My belief is that the incentives need to be more natural and built-in to foster intrinsic motivation and limits are essential but not in the form of punishment.  The most effective limit-setting I’ve seen is when it makes sense, is consistent and still respects the dignity of the child.  Next week, I’ll continue with this topic and how I believe the principles of Behaviourism can be embedded within a  Democratic parenting (Backbone parenting, Adlerian Parenting) philosophy.

In the meantime, notice your parenting style this week, and ask yourself if it supports your overall goals for your child?

Warmly,