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Last week I wrote about the 5 Languages of Love® from Dr. Gary Chapman. I hope you and all your family members (over age 5 yrs.) had a chance to complete his 5 minute questionnaire to determine your primary love language. It’s very useful and insightful. In this same workshop, Dr. Chapman talked about the failures in relationships – the times where there needs to be a sincere apology.

What Are the 5 Languages of Apology?

Dr. Chapman and psychologist, Dr. Jennifer Thomas conducted research to determine the different kinds of apology and created this questionnaire to help us identify our primary language of apology. This is another very useful questionnaire, especially for you and your spouse. (The summary statement that one receives does have Christian references, as both Dr. Chapman and Dr. Jennifer Thomas are Christians, but for non-Christians, it is still very useful and does not need to be interpreted from a religious perspective.) *Once you complete the 5 minute questionnaire, you receive your results within 2 minutes!

Apology Language #1 Expressing Regret

“I’m sorry for…” This type of apology accepts responsibility and directly speaks to the emotional hurt that has been caused. It doesn’t make excuses or attempt to place blame elsewhere – it is straight to the point with the commitment to rebuild and repair the relationship. This sincere apology is straight from the heart and it also expresses sincerity through body language too – eye contact and touch.

Apology Language #2 Accepting Responsibility

Some people have a very hard time admitting they were wrong, as they feel inadequate and don’t like to be seen as a failure. This language requires the person who has done something wrong, to put the ego aside, and admit “I am wrong” or “I was wrong”. It’s very important to allow oneself to be weak and admit that you have made a mistake. This apology must admit to fault in order for the other person to accept it.

Apology Language #3 Making Restitution

For this apology language, “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong” is never enough and is not accepted as a sincere apology. A strong effort to make amends must be made. For a partner, who needs this kind of apology, it is best to ask “How Can I Make This Up to You?” or “What Can I Do to Make This Right?” Knowing the partner’s love language would also be very helpful in knowing how to make it up to the person with the most meaningful gesture of love.

Apology Language #4 Genuinely Repenting

This apology language involves a willingness to change. The person needs to speak from the heart, and show vulnerability as the first step in the apology. Then he/she needs to say something such as: “I don’t like this about me. Can you help me create a plan to help me do this better in future?” Change is hard but if baby steps of progress are seen, this will increase the chances of successful long-term change. Even if one doesn’t feel his/her actions were morally wrong, for the sake of building a harmonious relationship, one needs to put effort into changing his/her actions.

Apology Language #5 Request Forgiveness

When one asks for forgiveness, they are asking to still be loved and to restore the relationship. In this language of apology, by asking for forgiveness, you are admitting that you’ve done something wrong and you are being vulnerable by putting the future of the relationship onto your partner. Asking for forgiveness takes a lot of strength for the person who is asking and is also very hard for the partner who is accepting. There is always the risk of rejection when one asks for forgiveness, but this is why it takes courage, and why this means more than anything to some people.

How Do We Learn to Handle Our Failures?

We learn to apologize from our parents: one is apologizing, one is forgiving. Children need to hear their parents apologize to each other. Children need to hear their parents apologize to them when parents have made a mistake such as raising their voice at them or saying hurtful words.

“What’s most important is what you do after what you have done”

~ Dr. Gary Landreth, Child Psychologist and Play Therapist

Interestingly, Dr. Chapman has found that 10% of the population don’t apologize – mostly men, and he says they learned this from their fathers. It’s time to break this cycle!

The Two Most Important Factors for A Long-Term Healthy Marriage

1) Feeling loved and appreciated (especially if it is conveyed through one’s primary love language)

2) Dealing effectively with failure – there are no perfect parents, nor partners, therefore it’s essential to deal effectively with your failures

I have written previous articles on the importance of Re-Pair (to pair again) and how this fits with logical consequences. I truly believe this is one of the most important life lessons for our children. To be able to teach them these five different ways is a gift they will always carry with them, because we all make mistakes!

Some mistakes are little and saying “I’m sorry for…” will work for most people, but for the really big mistakes, or for people who have a different apology language, it’s important to know the other four ways of apologizing.

I hope this information will help you with any re-pairing you may need to do. If you found this article helpful, please help spread the word by sharing with your friends and family.

Warmly,

 

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